‘Children under the radar’
Fair Lawn shul to host panel on developing talent in each student
Ilona Bravman was about 3 years old the first time she was evaluated for an augmentative communication device. She had been diagnosed with spinal muscular atrophy at 11 months and couldn’t move any part of her body except her hands, “so we had to really dig deep to figure out how to help her maximize her potential,” her mother, Nancy Fish Bravman, said.
The communication device turned out to be very helpful. By the time Ilona was 5, “she was very articulate on her device,” Ms. Bravman said. It became clear that she was very bright. “Ilona actually spoke at a speech therapy conference when she was 8,” her mother said. She also used the device to email, to go on Facebook, and later, to complete her college assignments.
The speech therapist who evaluated Ilona for that initial device ultimately worked with her for about 10 years. “She was Ilona’s biggest fan and always told us how brilliant she was,” Ms. Bravman said.
Years after that initial consultation, after Ilona had made significant progress, the therapist confessed to Ms. Bravman and her husband, Larry Bravman, that she had thought “they were nuts” when they first brought Ilona in, and she had wondered what they had expected her to do. “At the time, Ilona had almost no movement and no ability to speak, so really it was a challenge,” Ms. Bravman said. “And then it ended up being one of the therapist’s most rewarding experiences.
“Ilona was somebody whose strengths were very easily overlooked,” Ms. Bravman added. With the proper help, “a child who looked like she had no strengths became an incredibly vibrant, high-functioning person.”
Ilona died in 2021, when she was 28. The following year, the Bravmans, who live in Fair Lawn, started an ongoing educational series in Ilona’s memory that focuses on embracing differences. The series explores situations where people may not be noticed, or when they have needs that the community might not know how to address. The goal of the series is to make people aware of the issues and start communal conversations. The programs also are designed to help people feel less alone and to offer ideas on how parents, educators, and community leaders can help. Earlier panels in the series have focused on topics as disparate as physical disabilities, family members who choose different religious paths or identify as LGBTQ+, and children with learning or behavioral challenges.
The next program in the series will focus on “Children Under the Radar: Strategies for Noticing and Maximizing Varied Strengths and Abilities.” Rabbi Binyamin Krauss, Howard Blas, and Dr. Rayzel Yaish will speak at Congregation Shomrei Torah in Fair Lawn on December 14. (See box.) Rabbi Scott Kahn will moderate the discussion.
“No one ignores a child on purpose, but human nature being what it is, it often happens without our conscious knowledge,” Rabbi Kahn said. The CEO of Jewish Coffee House, he founded and hosts its “Orthodox Conundrum” podcast, and co-hosts its “Intimate Judaism” podcast. “In a group setting, it’s almost inevitable that some people will receive more attention than others,” he continued. “In a classroom, for example, a student who participates, or who gets the best grades, or is disruptive, or is the class clown, will likely get more of the teacher’s time and attention. On the other hand, there are likely those who blend into the background simply because they’re doing fine — that is, their grades are fine, they don’t misbehave in class, and the teacher can (perhaps unconsciously) think, ‘That’s one student I don’t have to worry about too much.’”
While that is understandable, Rabbi Kahn said, “it also leads to kids falling between the cracks. They might have incredible talents that will never be discovered or actualized because no one took time to notice, or to encourage them, or to make them feel that they have real worth.
“We owe it to our children to ensure that just because they don’t demand positive or negative attention, we don’t end up ignoring them.”
Rabbi Kahn, who used to run a gap-year yeshiva in Israel, recognizes that he has “fallen into this trap.
“The fact that it’s so common, the fact that it’s just the way group dynamics work, ironically makes it harder to identify.”
Rabbi Krauss, the principal of SAR Academy in Riverdale, grew up with Ilona’s parents, so being part of an event in her memory is particularly meaningful for him.
Like Rabbi Kahn, he stressed the importance of “making sure that you’re reaching all the kids.
“The question of which kids we’re reaching and which kids we might not be reaching, or how we make sure to be reaching everybody, is something that I think every educator should be concerned about and should be focused on,” Rabbi Krauss said. “It’s something that we try to do at SAR, but it’s always something that needs to be reinforced and reinvigorated.
“Schools are thoughtful about issues in general, and especially about our responsibility to each and every student in particular,” he added, and feels this becomes particularly important as schools get bigger. “There’s always a focus on what I would call the extremes — enrichment or support” — which can result in a reduced focus on kids who are “doing fine. But all our kids should be not doing just fine, they should be thriving.”
Dr. Yaish, a clinical psychologist and the director of guidance at Ma’ayanot High School in Teaneck, also is concerned about the effects focusing on the extreme can have. “There are children who are quiet by nature, and therefore sometimes may not get noticed in a school setting or even in a camp setting but are still longing for connection and want to be part of their communities,” she said. “They just kind of have a harder time naturally being noticed.” She also sees “sort of a bias toward children not being quiet” since teachers tend to “want children to participate in class.”
Others might wind up ‘under the radar’ because their interests are not a natural fit in a school or camp setting, Dr. Yaish continued. “So for example, that might be someone whose passion or interest is not as clear cut let’s say as sports or academics, maybe it’s a kid who’s really amazing at the creative arts or the performing arts or a kid who is extra sensitive or extra kind or extra respectful, but it’s just not as easy to spot or nurture.
“It’s not a flashy topic, because it’s by nature being someone that may fall under the radar, so we as a community need to be reminded on behalf of those kids to sort of try to pay attention to them in a healthy and better way.”
Not every child is going to have a passion or an area where they shine, Dr. Yaish added. And that’s okay. What’s important is that they feel appreciated and that they are part of a community. At the same time, “there is a way to help them sort of look at options and potential paths. I don’t have to be, let’s say, a passionate, creative writer, but maybe I do want to try my hand at the school newspaper just to see if that could be interesting to me. A little bit of push to try things feels to me like an adult obligation. To notice and point out opportunities even to a kid who’s not searching them up themselves.”
She also feels it’s important to “help them be heard in a way that will help them be part of the community. So to exercise their voice, to try some new things.” She stressed that the goal is not to ensure that they shine at something “but I think there is a piece of feeling valued in the community that really could fall at risk, even for a kid who’s content by nature to be quiet, if we are not supporting them to say that you have a role and we want to hear you also. I think it’s a very fine line.
“This is an area that I think schools do struggle with because no one wants to push someone when they’re not ready to come out of their comfort zone, but we also don’t want to make the mistake of ignoring an opportunity to help someone grow, develop, explore.” She sees kids in her office “who are experiencing pain, who sort of feel like they haven’t cracked the code on how to become part of their communities.” In school, she sees quieter kids “who are really happy to be in their community in a quiet way” and others “who are hitting a point where they really feel like they are stuck in a way that isn’t working for them and they do need help from the adults around them.
“Ironically, sometimes people get really intimidated by quiet kids because they don’t give you the feedback or the smile, the words that we’re used to,” she continued. “We’re a very verbal society, so that that’s how we communicate. There’s this sad sort of conundrum where an adult can feel intimidated by a quiet kid who’s really not trying to intimidate but doesn’t know how to give that feedback. That neutrality actually makes adults tiptoe around them because they don’t want to push them too hard. So sometimes they end up getting avoided, and then that feels bad. They don’t realize that the adults are not trying to ignore them, they’re actually trying to respect them. So we’re trying to help define that line of respect and appreciation and to help the adults listening sort of learn how to push past that intimidation.
“My worry is that some of these kids, by having so many years of people not connecting with them, will that leave them floundering later in life when other peers have made teacher connections or sports connections or other connections and they don’t have those? So we’re really trying to raise awareness that these kids need a certain focus and a certain care.”
Howard Blas is a senior adviser at the National Ramah Tikvah Network, a program for people with disabilities at Ramah camps. He also teaches a lot of adolescents for their bar or bat mitzvahs and has seen that kids have very different skills and interests.
“I feel like we often times reward book skills and knowledge, sort of pointing kids to very sort of stereotypically Jewish academic fields — law, investment banking — and we’re not often thinking about kids who have other skills and interests, like kids who are really good with their hands, or are more creative,” he said. He thinks it’s important for teachers “to be able to see all kinds of different skills and interests that kids have.
“The point is to really be on the lookout not just for kids who are amazing with mastering Talmud or calculus, but also who have other skills. And not minimizing them or putting them to the side as kind of like a hobby.” These skills can often become “a career or something that builds your self-esteem.
“You can nurture those things and not give the message that it’s kind of outside of intelligence and things that are valued.”
And he thinks every child has some skill or interest that can be nurtured. “I think you just have to try to figure out what that thing is. I think we owe it to those other kids to look for those opportunities.”
Who: Rabbi Binyamin Krauss, Howard Blas, Dr. Rayzel Yaish, and Rabbi Scott Kahn
What: Will talk about “Children Under the Radar: Strategies for Noticing and Maximizing Varied Strengths and Abilities”
When: Saturday, December 14, at 7:30 p.m.
Where: Congregation Shomrei Torah in Fair Lawn. Livestream available at inspiredbyilona.com
More information at: inspiredbyilona.com
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