A proud vigil for parents of lone soldiers
Sons and daughters serve far from Jersey in critical IDF reservist roles
When Shera Dubitsky’s daughter Sophie made aliya after a gap year in Israel and joined the IDF, Ms. Dubitsky was very proud of her.
“I was thinking, ‘Oh, this is great, this is going to be character-building, she’s becoming part of Israeli society,’” Ms. Dubitsky, who lives in Teaneck, said. “And even though we were using the words ‘army’ and ‘soldier,’ it never occurred to me that she would ever serve in war. That just wasn’t something that I had considered, It wasn’t even on my radar screen.”
Sophie became an explosives instructor. When people asked why her daughter was placed there, Ms. Dubitsky would joke that her interest stemmed from the STEM program at Ma’ayanot, a yeshiva high school in Teaneck.
When she finished her service, Sophie went to university in Israel. She was called up for reserve duty for the first time shortly after October 7.
“With the war, I still feel that same level of pride, but it’s no longer, ‘This is character-building. This is her duty as a citizen,’” Ms. Dubitsky said. “Now I feel like she’s really a part of the history of Israel and fighting for Israel and her citizens.”
Sophie is on her fourth tour of reserve duty; she already has served more than 200 days since October 7. Between those stints, she finished her degree and started a job. “The job is incredibly supportive,” Ms. Dubitsky said. “Essentially the message is, ‘You’re protecting us, and we protect you, so your job is safe.’ Which is amazing.
“I think Sophie feels very committed to protecting Israel,” Ms. Dubitsky continued. “At one point, before this last tour, I said to her, ‘What if you said no?’ She said to me, ‘Would they throw me in army jail? Probably not. But if I don’t go, then somebody else has to go in my place. Why should somebody else have to do it?’ And I think that captures it for her.”
Sophie is in a combat unit. “One in five people drafting into combat roles now are women,” Ms. Dubitsky said. Some people are not aware “that women are serving in combat positions and are making tremendous sacrifices and are brave and are courageous.”
What’s it like to be in Israel now? “I’m kind of getting the sense that there’s a different vibe in Israel than there is here,” Ms. Dubitsky said. “I think we’re glued to our televisions and we’re glued to the news, but I’m getting the impression, not just from Sophie but even from my friends who live in Israel, that you learn to live side by side with this, and I think the key word is live. Going to the shelters is obviously concerning, and really intense, but I also think that when people are not in that, they’re in their lives, they’re going about their lives as much as they can.
“They live in both those worlds very seamlessly, and so it’s really intense, but I also think that they also live very much to the fullest. That’s my impression.”
Ms. Dubitsky is a psychotherapist and life coach. Since October 7 she has spent some of her time volunteering as an online life coach for English speakers in Israel. “I’m seeing the impact that this is having” and helping people “figure out how to navigate this,” she said. Her clients have been “really good partners, who have wanted to do that, and they are navigating this.
“My focus is on where are you now? How do we move you forward? What kind of strategies can we put in place?”
She’s doing that for herself too. “I’m using a lot of the strategies that I’ve given to clients in my own life,” she said. “I’m really thinking, ‘Where am I today?’ and it changes. And ‘What’s a strategy that’s going to work for me today?’ That’s how I’m managing this.
“I find it devastating to see the footage of the damage that’s being done by the Iranian missile strikes, I think like everybody else. In terms of how I cope knowing that Sophie’s there and knowing that Sophie’s serving, it’s very easy to spiral into ‘what if’ thinking, and doing a lot of creative writing to fill in the gaps of what I don’t know. When I start to do that, I keep thinking that fear is a bully and creative writing can be a bully, so I really try not to allow that.
“Instead, I pivot. Instead of asking ‘what if,’ I think ‘what now.’ Instead of thinking about what I don’t know and letting my imagination fill in the gaps, I remind myself what I do know in this moment — that Sophie is safe, that Israel is strong, that the attack in Iran so far has been spectacular, almost on a miraculous level.
“But I also know that we pay a price for that. So as I say that Sophie is safe, I know there are other families that aren’t and that they’re suffering terrible losses. And so I can pray and feel for those families, and really just grieve that” — without using creative writing to paint the worst scenarios.
Ms. Dubitsky is incredibly proud of Sophie and all the soldiers. “The bravery that we see is really quite something,” she said. “I think there’s a tremendous resilience among Israelis, and the Jewish people in general, so that’s what I want to tap into. I have choices of where my creative writing goes, and I want to tell the story of the resilience of the Jewish people.”
She’s also grateful to the soldiers. When she sees soldiers in restaurants, she often pays for their food. It’s a way to show appreciation “for people who are serving and protecting the country.” She does that in her own community too, when she sees American soldiers. And she thinks soldiers appreciate the gesture. “When people ask me to please thank Sophie for her service, that means something to her,” Ms. Dubitsky said. “Sophie felt supported when local students sent handwritten letters and when people sent thermals and socks to her unit. I think it mattered to her not that people thought of her personally but that they were thinking about the soldiers in general.”
When Ms. Dubitsky was in Israel about a month ago, “People thanked Sophie when they walked by her, the way that we say Shabbat shalom. They didn’t stop us, they didn’t chat, but as we walked by, they just looked at Sophie and said todah.” Thank you. “And I think that there is a boost even in just that small gesture that what the soldiers are doing is appreciated.”
Another local parent of a lone soldier, who wished to withhold his and his son’s names for security reasons, is similarly proud of his son for serving. “He is a motivated kid, and he’s become even more motivated,” the father said. He has found that the WhatsApp groups he is in with the unit’s commanders and with other parents are helping him cope. The army is very good about sending updates about what the group is doing, he said, and parents who are in Israel are very concerned about bringing food not only for their children but also for the soldiers whose parents are not in the country. “It’s really a cohesive unit, and everyone is looking out for each other.”
The group is both diverse and unified, the father added, and that is something that his son appreciates. It includes Americans, Canadians, Europeans, and, of course, a lot of Israelis. “And you have people of all different religious levels. But it doesn’t make a difference. No one’s looking, no one cares, no one is judgmental.
“You hear about the divide in Israel between religious and secular, but in the army, it’s an entirely different story. My son has never felt that there is any bit of divide. What’s important is that they are all fighting for the same cause, they’re all on the same team. They all believe strongly in what they’re doing.”
This is a particularly intense time, he continued. His son “has been watching the missiles and seeing the explosions in the air, and he definitely says it’s been crazy. But he’s got a kind of soldier mentality, where they just push on. They compartmentalize and just stay focused, because the army is a tough job. They have positive attitudes. They’re all in it together, and they really pick each other up.
“It’s obviously scary, but I think knowing that he’s kind of calm, and kind of hearing the calmness in his voice, makes us feel a lot better as well.
“These kids are really devoted,” the father concluded. “I think they see also what’s going on in America, on the college campuses. They see the hate, the antisemitism, and in some ways it fuels them to be better soldiers. They really are fighting for something that really is very meaningful.”
Daniel Barenholtz of Teaneck has college-aged children who are spending the summer in Israel. He also has close relatives who live there, including two nephews who are now on reserve duty and have been called up repeatedly during the past year and a half, “which is of course very hard on their kids and their families,” he said.
Mr. Barenholtz started getting anxious a couple of days before Israel’s attack on Iran, when he heard that the United States was evacuating personnel from the region. “I think everyone knew something was coming then,” he said. Like Ms. Dubitsky, he has found some comfort that the war is going well for Israel. “Israel surpassed all expectations in how successful it’s been so far in degrading the Iranian military,” he said.
“It’s been hard having to stay near a shelter at all times, not getting much sleep,” he reports, quoting his family and friends. “And nobody knows what will happen and when this will be over. But we’re hopeful, and they are in no different position than the other 10 million people in Israel.
“I do think Israel’s success so far has been nothing short of miraculous, on the level of splitting of the Red Sea,” he added. “This was a day of reckoning we all knew was coming for 30 years, and we hope and pray it continues to go as well as possible.”
Shira Hochberg’s daughter just finished a gap year in Israel and was scheduled to come home a few days after Israel closed its air space. “It was a roller-coaster year,” Ms. Hochberg, who lives in Teaneck, wrote in an email. In addition to standard gap year programming including classes, chesed projects, and hikes, her daughter “attended funerals, visited shiva houses, cooked meals for families of reserve duty soldiers, and helped rebuild communities in the north so that displaced families can return home.” Her daughter also “awoke to sirens and ran to bomb shelters.
“As parents, we tried to model resilience, but many of us were holding our breath and counting down the days until our children would return home.
“And then the war with Iran started and the skies closed,” Ms. Hochberg continued. “We see the accomplishments of the Israeli Air Force and the sacrifices of the IDF soldiers. In our minds, we know it’s not safe for our children to fly, yet our hearts ache to hug them, to reunite siblings, and to let our children take a break from being so resilient.
“Writing these words feels hypocritical, because people living in Israel, and the soldiers fighting to ensure the safety of its citizens, and of Jews around the world, don’t have the luxury of taking a break from being resilient,” she added. “It feels shallow to write about disrupted summer plans or uncertainty about when our children will be able to return.”
Ms. Hochberg is thankful that her daughter “is in an amazing seminary that has extended its program so that the students are cared for and meaningfully engaged,” and she wishes for “peace in the region and the return of the hostages.” And she wants her daughter to come home as soon as she can travel safely. “I want her to have the summer she planned. I want to give her a hug.”
Avital Strauchler of Teaneck has two children who recently completed gap year programs and were not able to travel home when they were scheduled to. She is concerned about her children’s safety and about the safety of everyone in Israel but is grateful “for the wonderful yeshivot and seminaries that create meaningful and productive learning experiences in both peaceful times and in times of great challenges.”
Rabbi Simi Sherman, who lives in Israel, was in the United States for a family simcha when Israel closed its air space. He has been staying with relatives in Bergenfield. “Obviously it’s uncomfortable and unsettling to be so far away from our kids,” Rabbi Sherman wrote in a WhatsApp message. “And it’s hard to be outside of Israel at such a historic moment. But, thank God, our kids are doing great.
“They grew up in Israel, and they are strong and resilient. They are smart and responsible and positive and optimistic and mature… you know, they are Israeli!”
“We have a strong spirit and we appreciate the support from America,” Rabbi Sherman’s teenage children added. “We’re tired but it’s worth it.”
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