You’re not the boss of me - The Jewish Standard

I tend to believe that I am a flexible person, and I used to be very proud of it. After all, flexibility is something to be proud of, right? It’s a sign of maturity. Little kids don’t know how to be flexible (good luck convincing them they’re not getting that lollipop at the store!), so being open to change sounds like an adult thing to do.

However, I recently realized that my flexibility might also be a problem.

First, often — not always, but often — flexibility comes from weakness. If I have plans and let others influence them, it might be because I don’t know how to say no.

When I learned this week’s parsha, I realized that flexibility and stubbornness are more than just being agreeable or adaptable. It goes much deeper.

Let me explain:

When kids refuse to be flexible, they often use a phrase — said with a red, angry, determined yet cute face — “You’re not the boss of me!” It sounds like just a defiant statement, but it’s not. It reveals why kids so often refuse to listen: they don’t want to give up control. If I want something, and you want something else, and I go along with your wishes, then I’ve allowed you to control me. Children who are naturally blessed with a strong sense of independence refuse to be controlled by others.

So, is flexibility good or bad? On one hand, being too flexible means giving control over our decisions to outside forces. I’m letting too many people be the boss of me. That’s clearly not a great thing.

On the other hand, should we be completely rigid and stubborn? That’s not a great recipe either.

This brings us to a profound chasidic teaching, which talks about different ways of recording text: you can write it with ink on paper, or you can etch it in stone. Writing on paper fades with time. Etched in stone, it remains forever. It can get dusty or dirty, but it’s still part of the stone.

Our parsha begins with the phrase, “This is the chukat of the Torah.” The word chukat can be translated as “etched on stone.” With that, the Torah gives us a foundational secret to Jewish survival: be as strong and as deeply connected as an etched stone. How? By dedicating our lives to G-d.

How have the Jewish people survived for so many years? Where did we get the strength to declare “you’re not the boss of me” to the ancient Egyptians, Babylonians, Greeks, and the long list of nations who ruled over us? Where did we get the courage not to be influenced by the ideals and values that came and went?

Because we have a Boss. We know that G-d created the world. We know that He gave us a holy mission and a purpose in this world.

And interestingly enough, once our core mission is clear and strong, it actually allows us to be much more flexible in areas that don’t impact that mission. When we’re anchored in what truly matters, we can bend in everything else — without losing ourselves.

Mendy Kaminker is the rabbi at Chabad of Hackensack. He welcomes your comments at rabbi@ChabadHackensack.com

Opinion