Vayishlach — family dynamics
Shomrei Torah – Wayne Conservative Congregation
The family dynamics in parshat Vayishlach are painful. Jacob left home in fear of his life and has been away for decades. He does not know if his brother still holds a grudge, has forgiven him, or simply moved on. Jacob shows an unhealthy favoritism among his wives and children as he prepares to meet his brother.
Sadly, many people suffer from dysfunctional family dynamics. We often hurt the ones we love, and we are not sure how to heal the rift. Even when Jacob finds Esau friendly and welcoming, he is still distrustful and chooses not to accept his brother’s hospitality. It is not easy to overcome adversity; it takes time, effort, and trust on everyone part. It is easier to follow familiar, if unproductive, paths. We are often willing to live with the pain we know and have adjusted to rather than try for something better that may not work out as planned.
This unhealthy dynamic can happen at work, among friends, and within families. Any place people interact has the potential to go badly. But if we live in fear of bad things happening, then we never allow ourselves the possibility that things might get better. That what we have come to know does not have to remain the status quo.
In the midst of all this Jacob has an encounter with a mysterious assailant. This is a transformative moment for him. He is not the same person afterward that he was at the start. However, even with this change taking place, all the above still transpires. Change is not linear. Life is messy. Change takes time to take hold and stick. We grow from our experiences, and sometimes they lead to lasting change, but it is a process. It does not happen all at once. We are prone to repeating our mistakes.
What is true for us as individuals, sadly, has been the case for groups as well. We have seen increased tensions among members of different groups. There is so much that divides us today — religion, politics, group dynamics. We have come to see those with whom we disagree not just as different, but as wrong, and sometimes even as evil. When groups are vilified, then it is easy to discount them — what they say, what they do, what they believe. It used to be that the goal of a disagreement was to compromise and find a middle ground that everyone could live with, but today, the goal of a disagreement has become to convince the other that they are wrong and should do as we do. I can’t think of anything more absurd. I am not going to convince them nor are they going to convince me, so it is an exercise in futility.
Rather than learn from our differences, we dig in and stand our ground. When we do this, we miss the opportunity to grow. As it says in Pirke Avot, “Who is wise? Those who learn from everyone” (4:1). Whenever we are certain that we are right and others are wrong, then we close ourselves off from the possibility of learning something new, of changing our opinion, of seeing the world through someone else’s eyes and not just our own perspective.
At the end of the parsha Jacob and Esau come together to bury their father. It is a moment that gives me hope that even when people are different, when they have their own path through life, that there are moments when they can come together for a common cause, to do something important, something worthwhile. And while they may each go their own way and resume their own paths, that for a moment they rose above their differences to accomplish something. It reminds me that I might do that with someone and that perhaps groups that see the world differently might be able to overcome those differences to do something of value to each of them.
Let us hope for a world where we can overcome our differences to work together to make a better world together.
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