The resolution that couldn’t
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The resolution that couldn’t

Resolutions aren’t such a big deal before the Jewish new year. The way our religion seems to work is that when the Jewish new year rolls around, we start taking stock of our actions over the past year, and how they relate to our relationship with God and with other people. Did we give enough tzedaka? Were we kind enough to our neighbors? Did we cut too many people from a wedding or bar mitzvah list? That sort of thing. Again, this is my take on the whole subject, I didn’t run this by any of my Oreos or my new rabbi. My take on the new rabbi, you ask? Even though I am old enough to be his very young mother, I think he is wonderful. Really bright, well-spoken, and so far, every answer he has given me has been spot on (so take that, my three beautiful Oreos, who think I am doing everything in a questionable manner, when I actually know what I am doing is not questionable at all…but that’s for a different type of column). In any event, the vibe surrounding the Jewish new year is much different than that surrounding the secular new year. And you don’t have to plan as many menus or have a lot of honey and apples hanging around the house. Or invite company, unless you have a new year’s party — and then anything goes.

My favorite part of New Year’s Eve has been the Weight Watchers commercials. Apparently, Weight Watchers goes by “WW” now. Why? I don’t know. Were the people on the board too busy eating the new snack line to say, “Weight Watchers”? Is it easier to say “WW” when your mouth is full? How busy are these people in Corporate that they decide that saying “Weight Watchers” just takes up too much time? I am sure that poor Jean Nidetch, the fearless founder and leader of Weight Watchers is rolling in her grave. WW? What is that? Are they trying to make it more like a 12-step recovery program? That is what OA (Overeaters Anonymous) is for. WW is Weight Watchers, and I will call it that until the day I die. (Because in my scenario, right before I die, I will look lovingly into Husband #1’s eyes and say, “I should have joined Weight Watchers, and now no one will be able to lift the casket. I am really sorry.” (OK, even I will admit that was a little morbid, but also a little funny, so we will let it slide.)

In any event, the Weight Watchers commercials have always aired as the clock has struck midnight. And, historically, these commercials have been known to make many a big girl cry. They are quite motivational. There is inspirational music playing in the background as a former heavy person goes on about how great their life is now and that if they can do it, you can do it too. And the new program is so much easier than the last 3,000 programs they have offered their clientele. Join now, for free, and by next New Year’s Eve, you will be thin and beautiful and will have no problems whatsoever! Your family will get along, your friends will all be perfect, your spouse will be better looking, and your children will listen to you and do anything and everything you tell them! Wow, Weight Watchers is a really powerful way of life! Maybe that is why they say it isn’t a diet! Who knew?

Well, this year is going to be different. Why? Because New Year’s Eve was on a Friday night and I wasn’t able to watch the commercial. I am at a total loss. But it’s all good. I am 51 years old, I will always have body image issues, I will always be bigger than most of the room (unless I am at an amusement park or on a cruise), and that will have to be OK.

See what I did there? I snuck in a new year’s resolution! That is what this column was really supposed to be about — the resolutions we make, versus the ones that would be so much more fun to make. Like, instead of “This year I am going to be a friendlier person,” why not say “This is the year I am going to ask people why they are such morons.”

Yeah, no, it’s funny (unless you are the moron in question), but it will never happen.

May this new year be filled with health, love, laughter, and attainable goals, whatever those may be for each of you. Even if the goal is never reaching your goal. It’s all good.

Banji Ganchrow of Teaneck actually met someone who is due on 2/22/22…They might need a restraining order come time to deliver….

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