The Jewish Slandered

Why did the Port Authority appointees of Governor Chris Christie close down the Fort Lee lanes to the George Washington Bridge last year?

Documents recently obtained by the New Jersey Jewish Slandered from the New York New Jersey Port, Rum, and Tricornered Treat Authority has shed new light on the case.

The documents show that both Authority chaplain Rabbi Mendy Carlebach and Fort Lee Mayor Mark Sokolich failed to deliver shalach manot to Governor Chris Christie last year.

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Christie supporters say the new finding proves their contention that what was initially reported as a traffic study blocking three lanes of traffic on the George Washington Bridge was simply a mishearing.

“It was a truffle study,” said a Christie confidant.

“Truffles, not traffic. Chocolate truffles, of course.

“We had heard that the shalach manot may have fallen off the truck, so we dispatched policemen to look for them. We knew people might be inconvenienced, but it was a small price to pay to permit the governor to enjoy a festive Purim, however belated.”

Meanwhile, Democrats in the Assembly said this discovery proved their contention that the bridge closing was a malicious, not a delicious, maneuver on the governor’s part.

“We know the stories of wanting to punish a mayor for not endorsing him didn’t ring true. What did Christie need that endorsement for? And why drag in a rabbi?” an Assemblywoman said.

“But shalach manot? Everyone knows the governor loves his hamentaschen.”

Formerly the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, the body’s mandate has been expanded from bridges, tunnels, and airports to include all traffic in port, rum, alchohol, hamentaschen, and other shalach manot on both sides of the Hudson River.

While billed as a public service to the Jewish community, whose members had been exchanging Purim goodies in a chaotic, hand-to-mouth manner for millennia, the new authority also was seen as a fundraiser by some.

As a government agency with a mandate to mainly monitor manot (mostly shalach), the Port Authority was able to access top secret NSA wiretap data. Under the “It’s only metadata and what do you have to hide and should we tell your neighbor how you never call your mother” doctrine, Port Authority officials analyzed complete records of shalach manot exchanges in the tristate area.

“There were some shocking lapses in etiquette, not to mention taste,” said a Port Authority official.

“Were you born in an airport or something?”