The anchor of female friendship
Why keeping close circles matters throughout our lives
Some sisters are like mothers, especially when they are 12 years older than you, like my sister is. Eve remembers when I was born, she remembers pushing my carriage and playing with me, and as I grew up, she shared lots of big-sister wisdom. But the most important advice Eve handed down to me was about the importance of female friendship.
In my own childlike way, I tried to protect her as well. Some of Eve’s potential boyfriends became the objects of my kid scrutiny. I particularly remember one unfortunate encounter. When Eve’s prom date came to pick her up at our house, after all the obligatory introductions, I piped up, “Do you love my sister? Do you want to marry her?”
I meant no harm. I was looking out for my big sister. But Eve was mortified, the poor guy was speechless, and lesson learned.
I never met another boyfriend until Eve became engaged several years later. She came home to Scranton, Pennsylvania, from college with her fiancé for Thanksgiving, and I was excited to meet this mystery man who claimed my beautiful big sister’s heart.
However, as soon as Eve walked in the door, she pulled me aside and warned me to be on my best behavior, which meant keeping my mouth shut. I obeyed, yet it was so obvious Eve and Maurice were so smitten with one another, nothing I could have said would ever matter.
They were married a few months afterward. At 9 years old, I was thrilled to be part of the bridal party, and getting my hair done at the beauty parlor. I walked down the aisle in a pink satin gown, with matching pink shoes, and a teased up, rock-solid, hair-sprayed flippy hairdo.
Even now as an adult, when I’m in Eve’s presence, I tend to morph into a version of that little sister on the receiving end of her advice. Since we have vastly different personalities, I’ve learned to sift through those messages to do what works for me. Eve has always been soft spoken, formal, and impeccably dressed. Whereas I’m a jeans and casual type who can be opinionated and outspoken.
But over the years when I visited Eve and her family, one piece of her advice stayed tried and true, “Never forget your female friends. You will always need them, even when you’re married. There’s nothing like your girlfriends.”
And Eve didn’t just talk the talk, she literally walked the walk. When I visited her in Long Beach where she lived, we often strolled along the boardwalk, and every few minutes Eve stopped to chat with another “good friend.” These were not just simple “hello, how are you” chats, but deep sharing kinds of conversations. People gravitated to Eve’s warm and positive energy.
Over the years and through many life changes and events, Eve’s words proved to be prescient. I’ve sought good girlfriends through many moves and locations, in Hartford, then Pittsburgh, Scranton, Manhattan, Riverdale, and now Teaneck.
In each place, there have been friends who smoothed my adjustment with each stage of life. They softened the blows of parents dying, illness, and family issues. And my girlfriends have been my cheerleaders and mentors when I got married, had children, and followed a variety of career paths.
These friends have been my anchors. Some friendships haven’t always endured due to lack of proximity or just differing paths, but each one has helped shape me in many ways.
Since we moved to Teaneck 17 years ago, I have befriended another group of warm, wise and fabulous women. We’ve formed a circle and meet on Shabbat afternoons for discussions and lots of food (we love to eat) and it feels like a giant hug.
Recently, my friend Dr. Rachel Sarna taught us Pirkei Avot, Ethics of our Fathers. Rachel was born and grew up in Israel, and she is a seventh-generation sabra. She has had a psychotherapy practice in Teaneck for many years, working with individuals and couples. Rachel also has an extensive higher education in Jewish studies.
“I’ve taught many subjects over the years, but teaching Pirkei Avot between Pesach and Shavuot to my friends was special for me,” Rachel said. “I wasn’t only sharing ideas, but also a piece of myself with friends who know my heart. There’s something about learning Jewish sources together that gives you a shared language, a shared journey.
“The words and wisdom of Pirkei Avot became a mirror to our own lives as we shared personal stories, laughed and also shed some tears, which brought us even closer as friends. The experience was uplifting, and I felt it was a gift to see friends not just socially, but in a setting where we are all working together on ourselves with a sense of safety and respect. I look forward to our next topic.”
The health and psychological benefits of female friendship are backed by the findings of the National Institute of Health. “Social interaction with women has been shown to increase serotonin and oxytocin, hormones that can boost mood and reduce stress,” it wrote. “Female friendship provides a unique space for emotional support, intimacy, and shared experiences, contributing to overall life satisfaction.”
In addition, a nurses’ health study from Harvard Medical School shows that “the more friends women have, the less likely they are to develop physical impairments as they age.” The study also showed that the converse is true. “Not having friends can be harmful to your health.”
To demonstrate our love and appreciation to Rachel for this special experience we took her out to a memorable, fun-filled dinner because it’s also important to show gratitude to dear friends. As Eve said, “There’s nothing like our friends, now and forever.”
Esther Kook of Teaneck is a reading and learning specialist and a freelance writer.
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