Parashat Shemot: Why did Moshe look both ways?
Glen Rock Jewish Center, Conservative
If I’m honest with myself, I have to admit that the story in this week’s Torah portion, Parashat Shemot, about how Moshe killed an Egyptian, has always bothered me.
To be clear, I understand that Moshe did this as an act of justice. How dare the Egyptian strike a Hebrew man! After all, Moshe was defending his people in this way. There is something to be said about how we defend those close to us, or how we stand up for those with whom we have deep connections. If the law in Egypt didn’t protect the Hebrews from torture by the Egyptians, then Moshe’s act of courage against this injustice ranks up there with the bravery of Shifra and Puah, the midwives who kept the Israelite boys alive, even after being told they should kill them.
So if Moshe’s choice was to act out of self-defense — a value that is supported by our tradition — then what is it that bothers me about Moshe’s actions?
It is disturbing to me that Moshe “looked around” before he killed the Egyptian. I wonder if this act of “turning this way and that way” (Exodus 2:12) tells us something about his intentions.
But first, allow me to give Moshe the benefit of the doubt.
Perhaps he looked both ways because he wanted to spare others around him the pain of watching him kill the Egyptian. Even if he knew the Egyptian deserved it, even if he believed he was making the right choice, perhaps he thought he should do so out of compassion for those around him. If there were other people around, perhaps, to spare them the emotional pain of watching, he knew he could wait until that person was no longer in sight. Okay, I could buy that. Maybe.
Or, perhaps Moshe looks around before he kills the Egyptian because he knows that he might get caught. He fears the ramifications. He worries that perhaps his choice could snowball into further protections of the Egyptians at the expense of perpetuating the atrocities against the Israelites. Even if he knew he was right to defend his brethren, he paused because he wanted to make sure that his choice didn’t lead down a rabbit hole of acceptance for unjustified behavior against his people. I mean…maybe that’s what was going on. Maybe.
Or perhaps, more simply, Moshe just wanted to protect himself. He knew he needed to defend this Hebrew man, but he wanted to make sure that it wasn’t coming at the expense of his own well-being. He wanted to be certain that there were not any enemies in the vicinity who might have been waiting to come to the Egyptian’s defense. As valiant as his efforts to defend this Hebrew man were, Moshe wanted to make sure that he wouldn’t be killed in the process. I hear this explanation, too. Maybe.
But honestly, I think there is something deeper happening here.
I think Moshe felt a deep part of himself that wasn’t totally satisfied with his choice. He felt conflicted. He wanted to bring justice to this scenario, and yet, he struggled with whether he was making the right choice. Was killing an Egyptian and burying him in the sand at the same level as striking a Hebrew? Perhaps Moshe wondered if he was making the wrong choice, and therefore he paused, looking this way and that way, before killing the Egyptian.
I wrestle with this passage because there is a part of me that believes if Moshe was truly doing the right thing, he wouldn’t have paused. He wouldn’t have cared who was around and watching him. He would have dealt with the consequences of his choice. He would have known that he was putting himself at risk, but been totally at peace with that choice because it was just the ethical thing to do. That’s what great leaders and prophets do, right?
In other words, I look up to leaders — and connect better with biblical characters — who do the right things, regardless of the consequences. Isn’t that the ideal?
And yet, as much as I wrestle with this passage, perhaps the lesson in the Torah is that life is not ideal. Biblical characters do not always make choices that we should emulate. As much as Moshe was a prophet, he was also a human. And with our humanity comes the challenge of questioning our choices all the time, of pausing and reflecting and asking ourselves: “Am I doing the right thing here?”
Moshe teaches us that it’s okay to pause.
In moments when we are not sure about something, we pause.
At times when we feel like we might be making the wrong choice, we pause.
When we have a fear or need to think about how our choices impact others, we pause.
Ultimately, I don’t know why Moshe paused and looked this way and that way. We will never know. But the fact that he did, even if it bothers me, teaches me the power of taking a second or two to slow down. It’s okay to look this way and that way before we take a leap into our choice. It doesn’t make us flawed. Instead, it makes us so very deeply human.
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