Apparently last week’s political column, which really wasn’t even that political, did not go over so well. I am not really sure why. Each column that I write is like a child to me, and when I send it out into the world, I hope that people like it and are kind to it. It wasn’t that it was criticized, it was just, well…ehh. No one was thrilled or not thrilled. Poor column.
In starting to write this week’s, I was a little ambivalent, so I looked through some old files from years ago, when I wrote for a social media website, and I came across a topic I thought I could revive. Of course it involves Husband #1. Don’t worry, I received his permission to write about him. He wasn’t happy about it, but then I gave him kasha varnishkas for dinner and he was fine — not thrilled, but fine. (He only eats the noodles so I am not sure why I cannot just make him plain bowtie noodles, but whatever.)
Did you know that about five or six years ago, the National Association of Home Builders reported that 60 percent of new custom-built homes have two master bedrooms, his and hers? I thought that this was a genius idea. Historically, his and her bedrooms have been a part of many famous people’s pasts, including politicians and members of the Royal Family. It was back in 2005 when a National Sleep Foundation study let us all know that nearly one in four American couples slept in separate bedrooms or in separate beds, and now those couples are building entire homes based on that premise. Well, maybe not those specific couples, but the couples who are lucky enough to be able to build a new home to their specific sleeping specifications.
There are several reasons why couples might want separate bedrooms, but I am only going to the one that applies to me. Snoring.
Snoring happens to be a well-documented big bone of contention in many marriages. You are in a deep sleep, dreaming blissfully, and suddenly there is a train racing towards you. The noise is deafening and you are trying to run away from the train, but you cannot escape the sound. And then you wake up and realize that you are sleeping next to the train. The snoring is so loud that the whole room feels like it is shaking. What to do? Try to refrain from smothering this person with a pillow.
There have been many late night posts on Facebook from me about this. “If I cover Husband #1’s face with a pillow will the snoring stop?” “Can I plead insanity if I kill Husband #1 because of his snoring?” Sleep deprivation leads to insanity, so I think that it makes perfect sense. Years ago, when I was still dating, a boy told me that when his roommates were snoring loud enough to wake him up, he would throw things at them and then they would stop. Of course, in the morning, no one could explain the random appearance of single shoes, pairs of socks, or combs…
Once or twice, when the snoring has been especially voluminous, I have, gently, smacked Husband #1, and when he would wake up and ask what was wrong, I would pretend to be sleeping, and in the time it would take him to start snoring again, I would be sleeping for real. Well, I guess that jig is up now. Good thing I never left a mark.
Of course he insists that I snore as well. I am not denying this, though I don’t know if it is accurate because I have never heard myself snore. But the other night, I came upstairs and the noises Husband #1 was making did not even sound like they were coming from a human. And I did something bad. I recorded him and sent it to Son #3 in Israel. I couldn’t help myself. Every time I listen to it, it makes me laugh. And I played it for my father, and it made him laugh too. And that made me laugh. And laughing is good.
Of course I am convinced that Husband #1 has sleep apnea, because sometimes he seems to stop breathing and I lie there waiting to hear him breathe (see, I really do care)….and when he does, I do not laugh, I am genuinely relieved.
But is the snoring bad enough to rebuild my house with two separate master bedrooms? Not yet…..
Banji Ganchrow of Teaneck will be happy to play the recording for any of you. Just don’t tell Husband #1. But for the record, when I played it for him, he