News from the Jewish Substandard

The meteor that landed in the Gulf of Mexico 65 million years ago, launching a global firestorm that led to the extinction of the dinosaurs and most other species of large animals, damaged no synagogues, scientists revealed this week.

This was in sharp contrast with the much smaller meteor that landed in the Urals this week, shattering the windows of a synagogue. An unknown number of Jews were injured by falling glass in the synagogue and other buildings, where 1000 people, mostly non-Jews, reported injuries.

It is also in sharp contrast with recent earthquakes in New Zealand, blizzards in Boston, and hurricanes in New Jersey – all of which killed or seriously inconvenienced at least a handful of Jews.

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Speaking on a conference call hastily arranged by the American Jewish Press Association, noted scientist Lefty “Lucky” Leaky added that as far as he knew, the cataclysmic asteroid of 65 million BCE injured no Jews.

He refused to speculate whether any of the several dozen species of dinosaurs and icthyosaurs wiped out by the cataclysm had any monotheistic members.