Nature or nurture?

I’m one of those who knows that babies are born with their personalities already intact. I believe, firmly, that there is little we can do to shape these littlest people, that there is barely any molding that we are actually capable of doing, and that, for better, or not, they are born who they are. They grow and learn, but intrinsically, their innermost characteristics can be discovered at birth.

I know that this is contraindicated by all the studies that you and I have read about nature vs. nurture. Trust me, please. They’re wrong! Nature determines it all!

I argued with my children’s teachers through the years. I remember one teacher telling me I was putting too much pressure on one of our kids. The following year, with another kid, she told me I wasn’t putting enough pressure. Same mother. Different kids.

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Some of my kids felt very overworked throughout school and college. One sailed through with nary a worry in the world.

Some were easily roused, like me, showing some fiery temperament. Others were calm as a tranquil pond, with hardly a ripple.

The point is, neither I, nor their father, my husband, can be blamed — or, conversely, credited — for the kids’ individuality. We are who we are, and they are who they are!

Let me tell you, for example, about our family‘s latest addition. He doesn’t even have a name yet. He wasn’t due to be born until five weeks hence, so he’s seven weeks early. Up until two weeks ago his life in utero appeared to progress on schedule, and he wasn’t making a big fuss. His mother, our granddaughter, described him as active, but apparently not exceptionally so.

So we in the expectant family went about our lives awaiting the newest comer and discussing now-irrelevant topics like what a Pesach brit would be like and whose travel plans might be awry if he came on such and such day, not to mention the usual concerns about a Shabbat brit with close relatives from many places and Israel as well. As a family, those of us old enough remembered a particular event when one of our members was born on the day of the first seder, just enough time for a Pesach and chag brit. It was lovely, and that guy, now skirting 30, turned out to be lovely as well.

None of us were even thinking that the babe might have other arrival ideas!

Thus, with those seven weeks yet to go in the pregnancy, he announced that he was en route and would arrive shortly. Most of us, including the great-grandparents we became once again, had no clue until we awoke one morning to a WhatsApp post that merely showed the inky footprints of a tiny new boy who had entered our realm. Incredulous at first, we quickly turned to worry. The little guy was really a little guy.

We vicariously went through the frequent updates that accompany an infant in the NICU. There were ongoing multiple tests, including breathing, weight gain, feeding, hearing, and the latest test, car seat readiness. He had to pass that test, eventually, before his release. That was a new one for me. Our kids didn’t go home in car seats!

And then, yesterday, he was homeward bound. Still five weeks ahead of his scheduled arrival, but a person with his own mind nonetheless. I predict this boy will always be in a hurry to get things done. Time will tell! And so, last night his mother reported that he wouldn’t sleep unless she held him and that he turned from his back, the preferred sleeping position, to his side. Opinionated already. Nature!

But there’s something we already know. We love him. We cherish him. That’s true even if he is a bit stubborn and determined. He’s no wimp! It’s just his nature.

In these days, when our people have grieved over the shocking loss of the Bibas children, murdered in cold blood, in a moment that was supposedly never again to happen, how determined we are to welcome and provide safe harbors for those babies who remain in our lives. They may have opinions, these precious new arrivals, but strong willed or tranquil and mellow, we pray for their sustenance and the flowering of their own inborn natures. L’ chaim!

Rosanne Skopp of West Orange is a wife, mother of four, grandmother of 14, and great-grandmother of nine. She is a graduate of Rutgers University and a dual citizen of the United States and Israel. She is a lifelong blogger, writing blogs before anyone knew what a blog was! She welcomes email at rosanne.skopp@gmail.com