Losing weight on the compliment diet

America is gripped in a diet fever. Thousands of diet plans are on offer. In fact, if you’re cash-starved and want to make a quick buck, just pen a book about a new diet you’ve conjured up, give it a sexy name, and presto, you’re an instant millionaire. No previous writing experience necessary. You might try and call it something like "The Emaciated Scarecrow Look" or "Thin is In." Or better, just associate the book with something really chick-like — "The Rodeo Drive Diet" or "The Fifth Avenue Starvation Plan" — and you’ll be retiring in six months.

As for me, I have little time to read all these books, and even less inclination to make a mint from a diet plan because I believe we’ve overdone all the dieting stuff. To me, thin isn’t in, but rather "meat is neat." After all, if you’re a husband, what would you rather hug and hold, a bag of bones and a rib cage, or soft, supple flesh?

But everything in moderation; too thin is repulsive and hideous, and too fat is unhealthy and ungainly.

So here is my plan for the perfect diet that works better than anything you can buy and it’s both simple and free. It’s called "The Compliment Diet."

Here’s how it works. Give your wife a daily compliment telling her how beautiful she is. Tell her how great she looks in her dress, how shapely her new suit is. Notice when she gets her hair done. Compliment her on her nails and manicure (something that husbands always miss). When she puts on a nightgown, tell her she looks ravishing (make sure you turn off the TV first). Practice giving your wife at least five sincere compliments per day. In no time, you will begin to see the benefits.

Your wife will begin to live up to the vision you have set for her.

Since you told her she is beautiful, she will become beautiful. Since you told her she is thin, she’ll become thinner. Since you told her she looks shapely in her new blouse, she’ll live to fulfill the vision. It may take a few weeks, but it will happen. Guaranteed.

Do you know why women put on weight? It is almost always because of a neglectful husband. And if you see a woman who has "let herself go," then it’s not her you should be blaming but the man in her life. Would you deprive yourself of all the culinary delights that a prosperous society has to offer if your own husband never even noticed the sacrifice? Would you work out and go to a gym if you came home every day to a monosyllabic brute whose backside is buried deep in the couch and whose head is inextricably attached to the TV?

Moreover, so many ignored wives today are sensually deprived. Their husbands often don’t touch them, hug them, kiss them, or make love to them. So they compensate for sensual deprivation in one area by making up for it in another. In short, they eat.

And who could blame them? A big dinner makes you feel good about yourself. But your out-to-lunch husband makes you feel ordinary and overlooked.

Studies show that married women are on average about ‘0 percent heavier than single women. And why? Well, the saying goes that the single woman comes home, checks what’s in the fridge, and then goes to bed. But the married woman comes home, checks what’s in the bed, and then goes to the fridge.

All this mumbo-jumbo about looking good for yourself is nice, but it will never inspire a woman as much as looking great for someone she loves. Because she doesn’t want to be in love with herself. She wants to be in love with her man.

I wrote an entire book on infidelity called "Kosher Adultery." (Before you get any ideas, the book is about how a marriage can be turned into an "illicit" affair.) The number one giveaway that a husband is having an affair is him doing something incredibly stupid like arriving home with another woman’s underwear around his neck or her phone number tattooed to his arm. That’s because men have affairs mostly to boost their self-esteem, so subconsciously they brag about it without even being aware of it. But a wife cheats primarily because she is ignored and neglected by her husband. So, since his ignorance is the cause of the affair, it stands to reason that just as he doesn’t know his wife is alive, he also doesn’t know that she is cheating on him. So how does a husband find out? Well, the biggest giveaway is that she starts growing her hair long, buys colorful clothing, exchanges her cotton undergarments for silk, and goes on a diet.

Some stranger started complimenting her and telling her that she is slim and beautiful. So she became slim and beautiful.

And why did it have to be a lover? Why did it have to tear the family apart? Why couldn’t it have been her husband?

The sad history of relationships has been that the female need for attention is almost never met by the male attention span. But that is a history we can reverse. All it takes is a compliment.

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