Lazy Mom tips for raising utterly perfect children

I’ve always been a bit of a flake, but when I was pregnant with my fifth kid, my forgetfulness went into overdrive. I used to joke with people that studies say you lose 20% of your memory capacity with each pregnancy, and here I was with my fifth. Apparently it was a bit too believable — I’d get a lot of sympathetic stares as people would do the math and pity my sorry state.

The title of this article is a similar joke, one that people also seem to take a bit too seriously. I’m not especially lazy, and my kids aren’t especially perfect (except to me, aww), but I do believe all parents can tap into their Lazy Sunday selves to increase their enjoyment of family life, and to raise more confident, independent kids along the way.

Take that bane of large families, the laundry. I did nearly all the family laundry until my oldest was in high school. Sure, they’d help fold and put it away, but the mindset was that they were “helping.” One day the light went on. I realized that every one of them, from 16 down to 6, was capable of shoving her own dirty duds in the machine, pouring in some soap, turning the knob to “normal,” and pushing the button. From then on, each became responsible for her own laundry, even the little one. The tables were turned, and if I threw in a load, I was helping them.

Occasionally a wool sweater would get shrunk to doll size, or a load of whites were suddenly pinks. Who cares? The hours saved and the lessons learned were way above the price of a few old t-shirts. As they left for college, I’d hear about roommates they needed to teach how to use a washing machine. My kids were proud not to be ignorant of this basic life skill.

Or take the daily grind of cooking dinner. I happen to love to cook, and when time allows, it gives me pleasure to prepare a yummy midweek meal. But working full time sometimes interferes with my schedule, and hungry bellies need to be fed. One of the greatest gifts a parent can give her kids is teaching them to cook a few basics for themselves. I’ll always smile thinking about the time that one of my daughters, then 11, knocked on my home office door shortly after I had started a new job and was working late. “Mommy, is it ok if I make everyone dinner?” Thanks so much for asking, honey, and yes, go for it! She was so proud to make eggs, toast, and salad for the family, and my eyes were opened to new possibilities for managing the workload of family life. Even for Shabbat meals, I can text my kids a menu, and they split the jobs up between them. Family life is so much more relaxed if you can share the work.

Over time, I’ve offloaded other tasks while letting my angels learn important life skills, from arranging their carpools to filling out school forms. Many times, I’ve been tempted to intervene in my kids’ steps towards independence, especially when I know I could do it faster or better. I tell myself, RESIST! A core Lazy Mom principle: If someone else is willing to do the work, let them. Let them do it their way. Accept their imperfect ways as better than doing it yourself. My kids have worn diapers backwards, eaten ice cream for dinner, missed bedtimes, washed with the wrong soap, and certainly gotten insufficient help with homework, but it was well worth it to allow them to take the lead and lighten the load.

So for all the exhausted moms out there filling in every gap and striving for perfection, take it from this Lazy Mom. Drop your standards and allow your kids to do more for themselves. Relax — your utterly perfect children are just a lazy day away.

Lori Fein is a full time litigator, mother of five, and host of the podcast Mommash: The Oy & Joy of Family. She serves on the Board of Harvard Hillel and is a founding VP of the Harvard Jewish Alumni Alliance.

Opinion

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