Best. Ad. Ever.

This may be the most unusual help wanted ad ever posted on Craig’s List.

Looking for Rabbi Versed in DARK TALMUDIC ARTS to create GOLEM. (Astoria, NY)
Date: 2010-01-30, 6:20PM EST
Reply to: gigs-w7mca-1578516400@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

WANTED:

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One Rabbi versed in the Dark Talmudic Arts to create one Golem for household of three. Golem will perform rudimentary household chores such as dishes & sweeping, basic Math Tutoring for our daughter in 3rd grade and basic household security. Golem must be obedient and fairly unobtrusive on our every-day lives.

We will supply all materials needed (clay, twigs, calfskin parchment, etc) needed to create the Golem. All you need to do is use your magical ancient Rabbinic skills to animate said Golem!

Please note! We are looking for a Rabbi to create a Golem: an anthropomorphic being created from inanimate matter from Jewish folk-lore, NOT Gollum: a former Hobbit turned into monster and looking for “precious”. This is important! We have no interest in living with Gollum. We want a Golem. Please respond, serious inquiry only.

* Location: Astoria, NY
* it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: no pay

If you are such a rabbi and you apply, The Big Lipowsky wants to hear your story. If you are not a rabbi trained in the “dark talmudic arts” and you apply anyway as a gag, The Big Lipowsky wants to hear your story. (Remember, “serious inquiry only.”)

And apparently, Hobbits with a jewelry fetish need not apply. Too bad, Gollum might actually be a good math tutor. “My fractionssssss, my fractionsssssss.”