Don’t buy it! - The Jewish Standard

Have you ever bought something, for either yourself or someone else, that turns out to be a total disaster?

You see something online that looks absolutely perfect, you order it, you pay for it, you sign a policy that forbids you from ever returning it because why would you when it looks absolutely amazing? Has that ever happened to you? Because this column is going to be discussing this topic. This past year, when I wasn’t buying anything for myself, I learned how easy it is just to say no.

Just say no to all those cute things that I pass by in Target that I really don’t need. Just say no every time a large black dress is advertised on Facebook. I learned that I have the power to do that. I am wondering if refraining from any food that brings you joy shouldn’t be allowed when you are in mourning. That would have been perfect for me. And then I wouldn’t be looking at large black dresses to wear to the five weddings that I have this summer.

Oh well. The last thing this religion needs is more restrictions added to it. Though there are folks who add things to it all the time. Good for them, but not so much for me.

Anyway, back to the topic. Husband #1 was reminding me of the karaoke machine that my parents bought for the kids before they became Oreos. They were so excited about it, they used it once, we lent it out to friends for two different parties (wow, once upon a time we were invited to parties) and it has been sitting in the box in our basement for the last 10 years.

Or all of the Pampered Chef purchases I made when people I knew would host the parties and I thought I was being a good friend. (I am probably no longer friends with them, yes, I know that surprises you.) When have I ever made a daisy-patterned cake? Or needed an apple corer/peeler/masher? Or a garlic press? Nope, those were useless. Though I am assuming there were good snacks at the party, so there’s always that.

When we were all stuck at home for covid, that was probably the worst for everyone for many different reasons; one of those being the amount of online shopping people did. And why not? There was nothing else to do. On my screen appeared the perfect large black dress. It looked roomy and comfortable and fashionable. (The term “fashionable” is quite questionable when I say it, because, as I have mentioned before, I dress like a homeless person.) In any event, I ordered it in extra-large and I could not wait to receive it. Why was I excited to receive a dress that I might never have the opportunity to wear because the world had shut down? Exactly the point! I had the dress and I didn’t have to go anywhere and pretend to like people! When the package arrived, I ripped it open and tried the dress on. Unfortunately, it did not make it past my shoulders.

Apparently, it was an extra-large for a very teeny tiny person. A plus size Barbie doll, perhaps, but not an extra-large human. Of course, when I went to look up the company, I discovered several hundred complaints against them, mostly having to do with this dress. Why oh why didn’t I look it up before? I am just so very trusting of people. (I actually am, which is why I get hurt so easily and often, but that is for another column.)

This brings us to my latest disappointment. One of my neighbors introduced me to the product you spray on your gray hair that can hold off getting it colored for a few weeks. I think I have written about it before. It feels gross, but it is effective. For some reason, I turned the TV on to “deals and steals” on Good Morning America and they were advertising a similar product, which was supposed to be “lightweight, waterproof, dries in seconds.” And it was 50 percent off!!!!

Poor husband #1, he has always tried to teach me that when something is on sale, you are spending money on something you normally wouldn’t buy that you are buying because it is on sale. I am publicly declaring that I should have listened to Husband #1. It is not lightweight, it can’t be waterproof because how would it come out when you wash your hair, and it DOES NOT dry in seconds, as evident by Strudel’s blanket. She playfully put it on my head and the “dries in seconds” product that had been applied 30 minutes earlier was now all over her blanket.

I should just stop buying everything altogether. It would make Husband #1 so much happier and me just a little less angry at the world.

Banji Ganchrow of Teaneck cannot believe that Strudel is turning 2! She feels like she has known her for years….