What list are you on?

What list are you on?

Greetings. Hope this column continues to find you all healthy and sane. I was thinking about how I haven’t really written anything controversial in a few weeks, so I decided this would be the week that I discuss a sensitive topic. After all, the days leading up to Tisha b’Av are supposed to be reflective — of course, we have had many months at home, so there has been plenty to be reflective about.

Husband #1 just pointed out that the fast will be over by the time you read this — but oh well.

First of all, for those of you who walk without masks, why can’t you just bring one along to put on if you pass someone on the street? For those of you who never smile, why can’t you just wear a mask to cover up the fact that you aren’t friendly? I would think that wearing a mask would be an ideal situation for those folks who never say hello. I still smile when I pass people on the street, while I am wearing my mask, even though they probably have no idea that I am smiling. Of course I continue not to smile at the people who, well, we don’t need to go into it…. Though a few weeks ago, there was a group of people who weren’t socially distancing or wearing masks, and I was the loser wearing the mask who decided to walk around them and not engage in conversation (because the word “droplet” will never leave my head) and one of the people standing there yelled at me at that I was being rude. Ah yes, the reason why I have such strong feelings towards the human race…. And that is all I have to say about that topic.

And now the topic of the “social order.” I think most people are guilty of this, though it isn’t anything to be guilty of. We have A list friends, B list friends, and so and so forth. Now the the wedding season is upon us, and there are so many restrictions that seem to be changing hourly that I have found it highly amusing how now people are forced to see where they play out in someone’s life.

We will start from “I only talk to you because you take up space” and work our way backward. You know that Bob and Judy are getting married. You even got an invitation that they were getting married. You might have even gotten Bob and Judy an engagement present. But then you never hear about Bob and Judy’s wedding again. Welcome to the “D” list. Bob and Judy are getting married, but you are not invited to any of it. You don’t even know that it has been rescheduled or where it is going to be. Sorry.

Then we have the C list. People on that list at least gets to find out that the wedding has been rescheduled, and they get the secret code that will enable them to watch it either on Zoom, Livestream, YouTube or CIA drone cam. I find this the best list to be on because then I can watch the wedding in my pajamas, without having had my hair colored in 20 weeks.

Let’s move up to the B list. This list gets invited to some part of the wedding — dessert, dancing, gift opening, in-laws fighting over the bill — but at least it is IRL (in real life and in person!) Unfortunately, this means that you have to get dressed. But if you are B list, you should want to do this anyway.

And then, the coveted A list position. When I was in the bar mitzvah mode (which meant every weekend was a different bar mitzvah; apparently I had more friends back then) I was always excited for what I called the “first round draft pick,” which would be the first person that the bar mitzvah boy’s mom would dance with after the relatives. That was always exciting for me. (And I was actually once a first round draft pick, but don’t worry, we don’t speak anymore so all is good.) The A list are those special individuals who get invited to the whole simcha. You heard me, they are invited to chuppah through the end. They get mini hot dogs, they get dinner, they get open bar, they get it all (just, hopefully not sick because everyone should be wearing their masks).

And that is my take on the pandemic wedding. When everyone knows their place in their world. Yes, I know about all the nuances and I appreciate the difficulties in making a simcha during these times. I am just trying to be funny. None of this is based on any reality that I am actually privy to. So just relax, stay health, and enjoy your simchas!

Banji Ganchrow of Teaneck is only expressing her opinions. This piece is not based on any actual person/persons or events. But feel free to think it is about you and then you, too, can stop speaking to her!

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