Greetings. I find myself in a position that I have not been in for quite some time. I am waiting in my car while Husband #1 has gone into synagogue for the afternoon and evening services. I used to do this all the time for Sons #1, 2, 3, and any wayward friends who happened to be over. I became quite adept at finding ways to occupy myself for the 30 minutes it would take them to say thanks to God, or whatever is they do during the services. I always had snacks in the car, and various magazines or books. It was quality time well spent.
Yes, I know that we live in walking distance to this house of worship, but how can you be the best mom/martyr if you don’t drive your children to and from any place they ask to go?
You might be wondering why I had to drive Husband #1 today — and even if you weren’t, I am going to tell you.
Today Husband #1 became a man. It was not his bris, it was not his bar mitzvah — today, Husband #1 had his very first colonoscopy. At first, I was not going to write about this auspicious simcha; I was going to wait until we got the results. But whatever the results are, and God willing, they will be good, chances are I would be writing about that anyway, because his life is my life and my life has become your life, so there you go.
According to his doctor, he only had four small polyps (is that too personal?) and everything looked OK. Husband #1 called his father after the procedure, because his father used to be the doctor who performed colonoscopies and he said that everything, thank God, sounded fine, but that Husband #1 should know he might be gassy for a while. Music to my ears. Nothing like a gassy husband one day post Valentine’s Day to get your heart pumping. (Wait, we forgot to celebrate Valentine’s Day…again…oh well.)
And now you know the reason why I had to drive him to shul. Today, I was on Florence Nightingale duty because I was told he needed supervision post anesthesia. And that he shouldn’t drive. Or operate machines — his foreman boss was real upset about that one. Or make important decisions — meatballs or chicken for dinner? Or sign important papers — yes, we are still married. And that he shouldn’t drink alcohol or use recreational drugs. I was so hoping today would be the day he would start doing those things, but you can’t have everything!
For those of you brave men and women who already have had a colonoscopy, kudos to you. It is very important to take control of your health, and these tests are one of those ways.
That being said, let’s talk prep.
For those of you who are still too young for this test, let me tell you about prep. Prep begins the day before the colonoscopy. Since the colonoscopy is done in your colon, your colon needs to be as clean as a newly scrubbed toilet. Each doctor seems to have a different way to prep. Some prescribe some sort of demonic drink, while others, like Husband #1’s doctor, chooses the Mirelax Prep. This involved 128 ounces of clear liquid (not water and not anything orange or red, so no, he could not have his beloved Fanta). In 64 ounces of the clear liquid was eight heaping tablespoons of Mirelax. He also had to take four laxatives. This was a problem because they were pills, and Husband #1 does not take pills. Don’t ask, not my fault. But because these were teeny tiny ones, I snuck two into some sorbet, so that was good. But then he ended up chewing the other two. Not so good. But it got the job done.
The highlight of the prep experience was when, after having taken the pills and the Mirelax, an hour had gone by and nothing had happened. So he called our friend the doctor to find out why he was immune to the charms of the prep — and then he had to hang up quickly because nature began to run its course. And now we are at the point where the phrase “too much information” becomes appropriate.
Stay healthy, stay safe, and stay sane, folks.
Banji Ganchrow of Teaneck is the best wife ever. Really and truly. Don’t be jealous.