I hate football

I hate football

I hate math and I hate football, but I love my sons.

I am writing this on Sunday morning, with a purpose. The purpose being that each son follows a different team. Son #2’s team, the Rams, formerly of Los Angeles, then formerly of St Louis, and now presently of Los Angeles again, was eliminated last night. Son #2 is busy learning in Israel and hoping that we let him stay till Pesach (which will be another column) so he was probably minimally disappointed, that is if he even looked up from his gemara to see all of the watsapps that his family sent him about the loss.

And then there were two.

Son #1 has been following the Minnesota Vikings since before he could see above the bima in the synagogue we attend. How does a little boy from Teaneck fall in love with a team from Minnesota? (Though the more important question is how does a girl from Fair Lawn sit in a car for 20 hours to take her sons to the Minnesota Vikings training camp in Yenemsvelt, Minnesota????!?!?! Yes, I make everything about me.) Son #1 met these lovely gentleman in shul and they were all Vikings fans…and so his love of the team began. Did any of you hear me screaming with glee in ShopRite when former Vikings great Adrian Peterson was on the cover of the Wheaties box? I digress. So son #1’s team got a bye — not like bye-bye team. A bye means that they were so good that they didn’t have to play in the first round.

Gosh I hate football.

Because all of their teams were doing well, husband #1 tried explaining to me about the six teams in one division and how we like three of the teams and if a train leaves to Philadelphia going 100 miles an hour and another train leaves from New England going 80 miles an hour, the Eagles might be in the Super Bowl.… “Honey, I have no idea what the heck you are taking about!!!!!!!!!!” Breathe. Okay.

Back to today.

Son #3’s favorite team has always been the Panthers. They are from North Carolina, Charlotte, to be specific. Cam Newton is the quarterback and we love him because he is a good guy. They play today, Sunday, against the New Orleans Saints. They have lost to them twice before during the regular season. But here is where it gets interesting (that is, if you haven’t fallen asleep yet reading this football nonsense — what do you mean the yellow line really isn’t on the field. Gosh I hate football.)

Anyway, if the Panthers win — now pay attention — they play THE VIKINGS!!!!!!!!!! That means that of the six teams, three of which we wanted to win because it makes our kids happy, but one team was already eliminated and now if son #3’s team can pull off a win then they will have to play son #1’s team. (By the way, for those of you who read my husband #1 and Alexa piece, he is currently yelling at her to play Eitan Katz and she is yelling back at him, but I digress, again, because football is sooo boring.)

Okay. Son #1 is sitting here telling me that I should wait to see who wins. Will the Panthers win? I want them to win for two reasons. 1. Son #3 will be happy and 2. He will wake up on time to pick up his friend and be in school on time.

But then, what happens if they do win and they play the Vikings?

Who do I choose? This is why I am writing it before the game, because deep down I do want them to play each other, because then the whole family will get together to cheer on their teams. And that is really beautiful. All of my boys, together.

Okay, I am lying. They all watch in a different room and I have no place to go.

Anyone want to go to the movies next Sunday?

Banji Ganchrow is clearly not a football fan. She also can’t balance a checkbook because she always rounds up to the nearest dollar. But she can iron!

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