Did you ever have one of those days when you wake up and actually feel well rested? When you open your eyes, look at your watch, and cannot believe that you slept past a certain hour, when that hasn’t happened in years? When you think that you have a whole day ahead of you filled with nothing pressing to do? When you say “Modeh Ani,” thanking your Creator for allowing you to live another day, and truly feel a spiritual connection?
Well, kids, I thought I was having that kind of day…
It was Sunday morning, and surprisingly, I slept through the rush of men going to minyan (to pray). Now when I say men, I mean the people living in my house. I do not want any of you to get the wrong idea. The night before we had a family pool party, courtesy of generous neighbors allowing us to use their pool with no one else around. The core four, me, husband #1, son #2, and son #3, went swimming. It was lovely — especially because son #2 hasn’t gone swimming in I don’t even know how long. It’s a religious thing. Don’t ask. But it was so nice.
A few weeks ago, husband #1 and I had invited ourselves to another friend’s pool at night, also with no one around, because no one needs to see me in a bathing suit, and it was oh so relaxing. I floated (big girls are quite buoyant) and looked up at a sky full of stars. It was quite poetic — but back to my morning.
I knew I had laundry to do, dishes to put away, parents to visit (thank God), and that the boys had a wedding to go to. I went downstairs to see where everyone was, and there was husband #1 sitting in the kitchen. “Uh, honey,” he said innocently, “there is a smell coming from one area of the basement. I checked, and there doesn’t seem to be water anywhere. Can you come and see?” Ah yes, as you can imagine, it was all downhill from there. The sewer had clogged. Again.
About a year ago, I wrote a column about my friend Pedro from Drain Doctor. Pedro was the one who told me to calm down after all my toilets stopped working, with a house full of people. (Remember when you could have a house full of people?) And since I know myself, I had to leave the premises for fear of what I might say or do. I don’t handle household “incidents” very well. Especially when it involves floating poop.
Sorry for the visual.
Though husband #1 had assured me that he didn’t see any water anywhere, the carpet was wet, and there was water. Gross water. By the house trap. For those of you who know what I am talking about, you know how disgusting it is. This very same thing had happened over a year ago, when my dad was in the hospital. At least I knew what to do. First I called my friend Pedro, because no plumbing catastrophe is complete unless it happens on a weekend, when they can charge you more. And then I called my friends at ServePro to schedule the cleaning and disinfecting process for the next day. And then I just yelled at husband #1, because even though it wasn’t his fault, that’s what I do. And there was no one else home for me to yell at.
When Pedro finally arrived, I asked if we could just adopt him, since he knew us so well. I also thought that if we adopted him he would stop charging us. Of course he turned us down, because it was a creepy offer, but at least I didn’t yell at him. And then I used the sewer fiasco as an excuse to not do anything all day, which is never a good thing. And then I used the next day, while waiting for Servepro, not to do anything again, and then, since I called the wrong franchise I used the next day…. You get the picture. Yes, I have a problem.
In conclusion, by the time you read this, I will, hopefully, have a sanitized basement, and son #3 would have left for his second attempt at his gap year in Israel. So if you see me walking around looking forlorn and weepy, that is why.
Banji Ganchrow of Teaneck cannot believe she is going to be married to the same person for 25 years and has yet to be arrested for domestic violence.