Family fathers - The Jewish Standard

My own father loved my sister and me very much, no doubt about that. He was not a demonstrative man. Hugs and kisses were not his way. But we knew it by how hard he worked for us and how he took pride, no doubt too much pride, in our accomplishments. Luckily for us, he was not a worrier. Our mother did enough of that for both of them; and her own father, who lived with us, was a master teacher, constantly worrying. It was Dad who gave us wings!

Nevertheless, our father was not the father of today. He never changed a diaper or assumed full charge of us kids. In the caretaker role he was a peripheral man, pretty similar to most of his generation. Similarly to Neanderthal Man, about 1897 generations ago, and the many trillions of fathers who followed, he was deeply connected to us, but hardly saw his position in the family as the full-charge mothering one. He had his jobs, and Mom had hers. Of course!

And, parenthetically, if we had been adopted, things would have been the same. He would have loved us, just like my Uncle Dave loved his adopted son Leon, or cousin Jack loved his adopted daughter Ilene. Love was born with the arrival of the baby. It was deep but it was not genes at play. Those little ones elicit love. But that love is not only maternal. Listen on!

I laugh when a couple spouts, we are pregnant. It’s a common phrase these days. But what is this business of we? Dads don’t become pregnant. They father babies, but they clearly do not give birth to them. They do parent babies, nurture babies, and care for babies. Now more than ever! Dads have evolved to be co-parents, from the moment of birth.

I gave birth for the first time in 1963. As I labored, my husband was instructed by the staff at Newark Beth Israel to go home, read a book, and await a phone call. I asked if he could stay with me; the laughter of the medical staff resonates until today. He could not stay!

With our second baby the situation was unchanged. But by the time children three and four came along, Abba was in the delivery room with me, ready to be a fully invested co-parent, from labor and delivery onward.

But neither he nor most of the fathers of our generation, the generation of us who have already reached old age, compare to the new fathers of today. In our family those new fathers are our grandchildren. Their own fathers were and are exemplary, but the new fathers, fathers to kids who are very young, mostly babies, they are, or are married to, the greatest parents I know. So far they have parented eight great-grandchildren for us. Watching them is a deeply touching and beautiful experience. They never assume that childcare is the job of mothers alone. When babies have needs, they are there, feeding, changing, loving, holding, rocking, singing, beaming with pride. They don’t have to be told what to do or when to do it. They know and they do!

This generation, now raising our great-grandchildren, operates under a new dynamic. Moms, like their husbands, are active in the workforce. This brings a new structure to family life. Children grow up expecting care from their fathers in the same areas traditionally seen as the roles of their mothers. Mothers who have professions expect their lives to be shared between family life and professional life. And so it is! The fathers in our families have become more than just breadwinners. They’re partners with their wives in running their households and managing their careers. Doubtless your own families are similarly engaged.

In our family, the eldest grandson, father of four of our great-grandchildren, is a treasure, abba to four of the greats. There are three boys and one baby girl, the youngest. Coming from a family of five boys, this little girl is a puff of whipped cream on a delicious cake to our grandson. She is now eight months old and fits smoothly into a very busy household, never demanding, always looking at the frenetic activity around her and thinking, I think, when do I start becoming part of the action? Soon, little one. Very soon.

In a household where both parents work full time, things are remarkably under control. Abba has a challenging job, requiring seven days a week of planning and action. He’s a rabbi at an Orthodox synagogue in Maryland, serving his busy congregation with much love, commitment, and caring, while never neglecting his wife or children. The older two boys have already started supplementing their schoolwork with swimming lessons and piano lessons. Somehow everything gets done, and Abba knows he’s not a mere cog in the support system. He’s a partner who finds time for making challot and cooking in addition to everything else. I can’t promise he finds enough time for sleep.

Next in line is the delightful, very invested father of our little toddler. At this stage in her life she already runs to him for comfort and affection. And yes, she runs! And talks and does all the precious little motions and movements that very young children delight us with. Her father, from her earliest few days in the neonatal ICU at a Manhattan hospital, was there for her and his amazing wife. Very helpful was the concept, new to me, of extended paternity leave. This was a long time in coming but an incredible help to brand new parents. That certainly was not an option for my husband when we began raising our own kids.

Cambridge, Massachusetts, is the home for our almost 1-year-old. His mom, our granddaughter, is a midwife, busy day and night. Abba is a graduate student in some esoteric subject at Harvard and also often the full-charge parent at home. He’s a devoted father who finds time to do what has to be done with abundant love and patience. I cannot account for how they do it, but active fatherhood is clearly a serious obligation.

Another babe in Cambridge is beloved by another grandson whose lovely and talented wife recently returned to work. Abba too works very hard, doing something beyond me in computers, but clearly taking a major role as a very involved father. When we Facetime, he’s cozy with his beautiful girl, who’s calm and composed and knows both of her parents are there for her. The days of calling only for Ima are behind us in this family!

Our caboose has a special designation. He’s a sabra, born at Hadassah Hospital in August. He also is a graduate of Hadassah’s neonatal ICU, which happily sent him home after quite a few worrisome days. His Abba received 14 weeks of paternity leave, with instructions to use them all so as to set an example for his colleagues. They are now on a normal schedule. Baby boy went for a hike with Abba and Ima this morning in the 70 degree weather, while we in New Jersey had our first meetup with chilled white flakes of snow. This little boy already knows he is loved and cherished, just not quite ready to tell us about the hike, but that’s coming along soon!

Kol ha kevod to the fathers. May they continue to thrive! Our family is not an anomaly. Today’s fathers, in your family and ours, are an advanced species. They partner with their wives to raise children for all of us, understanding that Am Yisrael lives and grows stronger day by day. Each addition to our tribe is a treasured link of endearment. And so may it be!

Rosanne Skopp of West Orange is a wife, mother of four, grandmother of 14, and great-grandmother of eight. She is a graduate of Rutgers University and a dual citizen of the United States and Israel. She is a lifelong blogger, writing blogs before anyone knew what a blog was! She welcomes email at rosanne.skopp@gmail.com

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