Exercise and eat healthy — or whatever you want

We are living in a health-conscious society.

Vegans, vegetarians, paleo, keto, are just a few of the ways people watch what they eat and how they eat. You can have fruit, but not every fruit. You can have carbs, but they have to be complex carbs. (Does that mean they had a difficult childhood if they are complex?)

And drink lots of water. Water is the best. Water all day long. No thank you. Water makes me queasy. The other day, I was at a kiddish having a hot flash (it also could have been a panic attack, but we will go with the hot flash) and I was pouring myself a cup of Diet Coke. Some woman looks at me and says, “You know, you really shouldn’t be drinking that. It isn’t healthy.” I look back at her, give her my very best are-you-kidding me smile, and reply, “Well, if I end up dying first, I won’t really know who was right, will I?” And then I proceeded to enjoy my cold cup of chemicals. And my hot flash stopped flashing.

When it comes to eating healthy, you have to choose what is right for you. What makes you feel best. And if that is eating a peanut butter powder with ground cocoa beans and pretending that it’s a Snickers bar, then more power to you. There are so many nutritionists and health coaches out there to help you lose weight. What about the poor people who have to gain weight? Kids who don’t weigh enough to be on the growth chart. People who have been sick and haven’t gotten their appetite back. That totally should be my business. I could help anyone gain 10 pounds in less than a week. Who am I kidding, with the right supplies, I could have you gain 10 pounds in less than three days. Please, someone, accept my challenge. I will even help you for free!

Along with the joys of weight loss comes the complement of exercise. I happen to enjoy exercise. Well, I enjoy walking, so we will call that exercise. With the right anti-inflammatory for my knee, I could walk all day long. It is the best therapy there is, because you can just talk to yourself and solve all of your problems. And breathe in the fresh air and appreciate God’s beauty around you. I also enjoy spinning, because the music is incredible and that class takes place in a dark room and no one can get scared of what I look like from behind. Enough said.

But this past week I enjoyed an entirely different kind of class. My friend Tiffany has started working at a new gym, called Juma Fit. I am sure the name means something about health and body and something healthy, but she was offering the chance to take a free treadmill class. That piqued my curiosity, because I can do the treadmill. The treadmill requires walking, and I know how to walk! So I told Tiffany that I would love to be one of her guinea pigs. I also told her that it would be great for me to take her class because she would learn how to use the defibrillator when the big girl in the back has a heart attack….

So I showed up at the Juma gym, signed a release — apparently everyone had to sign one, not just the big girl — and we were ready to work out. I have got to say that it was very enjoyable. I walked, I ran, I ran faster, I walked again…apparently this is called interval training. Who knew? (Probably lots of people, just not me.) Tiffany did a great job motivating us and keeping us focused and I was sweating enough to warrant drinking the crystal light pink lemonade that I brought along…still no water. I guess it’s the one thing I have in common with Odell Beckham Jr. (Probably the only thing — but at least it is something.) And I was very proud of myself that I made it through the whole class without the need for the defibrillator. And Tiffany was probably happy about that too.

Now if only I could learn to eat healthy….naaaaaaaa. But for those of you who do — good for you! And I will see you on the other side.

Banji Ganchrow of Teaneck is looking forward to the next time she can take a treadmill class. And maybe she can sneak a real Snickers into it.