A wishlist for miracles - The Jewish Standard

In years long past, we had the miracle of the oil burning for eight days rather than one and a small band of Jews led by Judah Maccabee fighting off an army.

Here are a few "miracles" I would like to see in my lifetime:

1. that Jews unite without discriminating against each other because of differences of belief and observance.

‘. that the Israeli government would stop publicly slinging mud at whoever is prime minister.

3. that for once, Israel would not have to return 500 terrorists in exchange for one of our men.

4. that this time, after the Annapolis peace conference, we would not have to yield everything at great cost for nothing in return.

5. that all of our kosher restaurants and groceries would drop their prices at least by ‘5 percent during Chanukah week.

6. that the Arabs who want to run Jews off the map would find someone else to pick on for a change.

7. that the Arabs who claim territory in Israel would find a nice home in Jordan, where they have already been offered one.

8. that the giant menorahs fought over each year in various places would not be an issue.

9. that more Israeli novels would be translated into English — about the Israel of today, not of long ago.

10. that Israel could produce just one really good movie.

11. that every Jew would visit Israel once in his or her lifetime without being afraid of being surrounded by terrorists and blown up.

1′. that every Jew alive would stop considering himself or herself "very Jewish" or "not so Jewish." We are all Jews.

13. that Teaneck would have a Starbucks.

14. that it would be possible to give each and every Jewish child a Jewish education for free, not based on intellectual ability or behavior.

15. that for once, Israel would not be dependent on pacifying America or anyone else.

16. that the world would realize just how wonderful what Israel has achieved is and how very little the so-called Palestinians have achieved.

17. that the world would understand that there is no such person as a "Palestinian," and therefore no Palestinian state.

18. that the American public would understand that public transportation in Israel is not by camel (see No. 11).

19. That there would be less rabbinical commentary in the Standard, and more lay commentary (for example, a nasty gossip column documenting who gives the least money to Jewish causes and their photos, etc.).

‘0. that book reviews were not of already dated books.

‘1. that El Al to Israel would remove a few dozen seats and add on a few new airplanes.

”. that flights to Israel would sometimes really be cheaper.

‘3. that the restrooms on El Al would magically clean themselves towards the end of the flight.

‘4. that all calls from Jewish parents in America would be free of charge to their children in the Holy Land.

‘5. that there were fewer synagogues in small towns, and less controversy

‘6. that there were no "building funds" for Jewish institutions.

‘7. that Jewish organizations would publish salaries and bonuses for their employees.

‘8. that Chanukah would not fall at the same time as Christmas.

‘9. that Chanukah music would be played in all public places.

30. that we have no blackouts this winter, as we have not found the miracle oil yet that will last through a bad one.

31. that none of us should ever forget for one moment that the Holocaust existed and could happen again —and we should remember how small groups fought back and sometimes won.

3′. that hopefully no American Jew sets up a blue Chanukah bush in the living room.

33. that no one’s curtains catch fire during Chanukah.

34. that school would remain in session throughout December (and also July and August).

35. that the menorahs brought home by young children should not have to be used.

36. that the invention of the no-calorie latke will go down in history along with the no-fat fat substitute.

37. that all our children would willingly give their Chanukah gelt to tzedakah, and possibly their gifts.

38. that Santa Claus would get stuck in someone’s chimney and end the legend.

39. that someone would write the lyrics to some refreshingly new songs for this holiday.

40. that our government would desist from attending peace conferences that will never end in peace.

41. that no inflatable plastic Jewish symbols are ever created for this holiday (or any other).

4′ that the jelly doughnut, or sufgania, becomes the new diet food.

43. that the newest bestseller of ‘008 will be the guide to not gaining weight on Jewish holidays.