Airplanes are miraculous objects.

They fly. How do they do that? And with all of those people who aren’t weighed beforehand…. And when there is turbulence, what is happening exactly if you are in the sky? Invisible potholes? Things you just don’t want to think about when you are flying. I still remember when my grandparents were invited to a wedding in Paris and the hosts of the wedding flew them on the Concord, which was an extra fast airplane. How did those aircraft work? Apparently not too well, because I don’t think there are Concords anymore. I wonder what became of those planes.

In any event, as wonderful as airplane travel is, if you are a germ freak, planes are not for you. At all. Especially during flu season. Or any season, for that matter. If you turn on the news, you hear how this year’s flu season is the deadliest it has been in over a decade. Thank you for letting me know. What am I supposed to do? I got the flu shot, I wash my hands as often as humanly possible without receiving a diagnosis of obsessive-compulsive disorder and I do my best not to touch any door handles with my bare hands. I even have a few prescriptions of Tamiflu in the house from a few years ago when we went on a cruise during flu season and I was being a crazy mother. (Some things never change — now, I just am crazier.).

But then came winter vacation. We decided to go visit my in-laws in Boynton Beach (yes, you read correctly, I went to visit my in-laws) and in order to get there, we had to go on a plane. The place where colds, coughs, and lord knows what else come to breed. So you do what you can. I had my Purell, and aside from wearing a face mask, that was it.

We get on the plane, three of us in one row and husband #1 on the aisle across from us. The two seats next to him were empty. And then came Tuberculosis Tonya (not her real name). She was coughing on her hand. DOESN’T SHE WATCH THE NEWS?? You are supposed to cough into your armpit, because if you cough on your hand and your hand touches the seat and then someone else touches the seat, they will then get sick. No wonder so many people suffer from anxiety. Does everyone think the way I do?

Then Tuberculosis Tonya just started coughing everywhere. Sons #1 and #3 had to physically hold me back from standing up and screaming, “Hey lady, stop coughing everywhere. You are going to kill all of us with your germs!!!!!” Please tell me that some of you feel this way too! It cannot just be me. My kids were laughing at me, but that is par for the course, and husband #1 was looking at me with that “What would you like me to do?” face. I would like you to get up and switch your seat even though Tuberculosis Tonya’s germs already were being recycled through the air of the entire plane, because even though airplanes are awesome, they still haven’t figured out a way to open the windows to get fresh air without sucking people through those said open windows. Or how to make a bigger bathroom — apparently either I have gotten bigger since my last time on a plane or the bathrooms have gotten smaller. How is a woman of my size supposed to maneuver a toilet seat cover and turning around to sit down without having to grease the walls of the lavatory with butter??????

Stuck on a plane with TB Tonya, and several Sneezing Sams (again, not their real names) I just tried not to breathe. That doesn’t work. Husband #1 finally moved to the row in front of TB Tonya, so hopefully, no damage was done.

Wait, how long is the incubation period for colds, coughs, and lord knows what else?

To be continued……..

Banji Ganchrow just watched son #1’s Vikings get demolished by the Eagles. Football season is officially over for the Ganchrows. How many weeks until pitchers and catchers? Let’s Go Mets!!